what i want.

After typing this post i thought....no pictures huh? i can't let that happen. 

{inserting random pictures throughout for your enjoyment}

 something to be thankful for.

there's no other elegant way for me to say that. there are things that i want. simple things. complicated things. things i wish other people could give me.

does that make me a whiner? really? does it? cause thats kinda what i feel like. a run down, needy, whiner. whatever. it happens.

is this a normal post from me? do i always sound like this? maybe its the lack of sleep. maybe its the french toast, diet coke, and mint flavored gum for breakfast. maybe its the charlie horse in my right calf that awoke me from a post call sleep yesterday that seems to be lingering still. i hate that.

maybe i'll just trudge ahead and ramble off my list. my list of things that I want.

1. sleep-i can't even begin to explain how much this has become a necessity in my life. i dont get enough of it during the week, its just not possible. when i do get enough its a painful sleep. seriously. i sleep so hard and for so long that my body hurts, feels like i've been in a car accident when i wake up. so do i get up early? do i make a decision to be a grumpy cranky version of myself or do i deal with the pain? my vote will always be for more sleep.

2. a foot massage-this may or may not be directed toward a very stubborn hubby who refuses to rub my feet. even after i clean them? ridiculous. {guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt...} i'm trying my very best, to no avail because im sure it will not work. i can not begin to explain/complain enough about how much my feet hurt. maybe its my shoes? maybe. maybe i should buy another pair of danskos? yes i think thats probably it :) it has nothing to do with being on my feet for 28ish straight hours. what? are you joking? no. as a matter of fact, in all seriousness, i'm not joking. they hurt. to say my dogs are barkin' would be an understatement. new shoes, yes thats probably the answer.

3. my wedding album-its the never ending quest isnt it? i say its going to happen and it just never does. i've never had so many people ask me if im married, as i have had in the past month. new people, new friends, more people's shocked faces when i respond to "how long have you been married?" with...."four years"  The faces look at me like i'm straight up lying. seriously people i really have been married for four years, i married my best friend {who refuses to rub my feet} and we've been together for 11 years. i know its probably more than you can fathom but really, 11 years. I'm shocked he still likes me. after all, i'm pretty annoying. and apparently needy. but back to the pictures. Its like a splinter stuck in an odd place on my body. i forget it about it for awhile, and then bam! all of a sudden it hits me...I want it out! it hurts, its irritating, but more than anything i wanna see what the big deal is....about the splinter i mean. Can't someone just fix that blasted album for me? i've done the majority of the work, but damn if im not a semi/quasi/type a perfectionist when it comes to my pictures. even more importantly, (such awful grammar) i think i'll be dissapointed by them. my taste in pictures has definitely changed over the past four years and i have a more, much more, critical eye. ugh. i'll never have a wedding album will i?

4. clothes that fit. Too lose 10-15 pounds. To lose enough weight to fit in the clothes i have- for now. At this point, and who knows how it will change over the next few months, i have no time for exercise. I know excuses, excuses, thats what fat people give. excuses. Well so be it. Please make reference to #1. If i'm not working, im showering, and after showering im sleeping. I make a conscious effort just to stay awake while driving home, there's not a chance in hell im staying awake long enough to go exercise in the heat, or indoors. If you've ever worked a night shift, or really long hours then you know what im talking about. more excuses i know. if i could just feel comfortable in something other than scrubs and pajamas that'd be great.

5. A day without plans-does this even exist? when im not working i'm post call which means that day already has plans.....shower sleep eat dinner...go back to bed. So now, on to sunday. today. Today all i wanted to do was nothing. or whatever I wanted, if it was something at all. but after a breakfast made by my wonderful hubby, and a movie--julie and julia--and working on this post for about an hour, i remembered that i have to take another quiz. i used to love sundays. now they are being squashed by these stupid quizzes. note to self: finish your quiz by saturday, thats the new rule so i can have sunday back. i also just remembered that i have to be at a picnic for work. oh joy. i mean...should be fun.

6. time to take pictures-i have plans. they are going to happen. plans to take beautiful pictures of my college roomie and her cute baby bump. it going to happen, whether she wants it to or not :) luckily i have her sister on my side. and it'll be a chance for me to see a very good friend, who i miss very much, and who lives literally less than a minute and 30 seconds from my house. i've timed it.

7. vacation-i want to go somewhere. away from what i do everyday. somewhere with my hubby, somewhere cool. maybe boston? maybe to cali? who knows i doubt i'll have time to plan it. boo. I hate to waste a perfectly good week of vacation that will be approaching hopefully soon...may the month of august fly by! Lord i can only imagine the scary mess that i will be without a week to myself from late september all the way to april. Winter could be bad very bad.

now that i'm semi relieved of my whining, i think its time to wrap this mess up. i do feel better so thank you for that. I didnt even complain directly about work which is surprising because i had one hell. of. a. night. My first shoulder dystocia, and a post partum hemorrhage all in one night, and am rounding on 24 people in 2 hours. that probably means nothing to you all but i include it in here merely for record keeping. I'll look back three years from now, come across this, read it and think...well all be damn. you survived then so suck it up kid. I love talking to the "past me" lol. Does that make me crazy? so be it.
By the way, If you see my husband {the one who selfishly wont rub my feet} please do give him a hug, or a beer. because God bless him he has to listen to me whine wayyy more than y'all do. He takes the heat every day when i come home from work, talks listens to me off the ledge if you will.

I almost forgot i wanted to come and tell you guys about my dreams that i had the other day, you guessed it one was about my teeth.....coming out like confetti....guess we're back where we started.

peace. e

seriously? again?

If this is your first time reading about, the dream then i apologize. if this is your umpteenth time reading about it, again...sorry. eta: i just realized that i've also blogged about the dream here. thats four total.you guys know, it happens every time i have something stressful coming up in my life.  Last night, definitely stressful. Today at noon on the dot, i was to find out if I had a residency spot for the next four years. Just like every other fourth year medical student in the country. If you don't "match" to a program then you go into a scramble for 2 days to try to find an open spot anywhere in the country. eeeeeekkk.

Last night i'm drifting off to sleep....i stayed up late just so i could sleep in as close to noon as possible... and i'd had a LOT of chocolate and diet coke, so i thought sleep was literally the impossible dream. But, like i said, i was drifting and soon found myself on something the equivalent to a field trip? I dunno. I was in a dark room and i remember my camera feeling really light, which worried me that it was broke. I saw a picture that i supposedly took, but then i realized i was in the picture with two other people. I dont know who they were. I began searching for missing pieces and moved to a lighter room. I saw all these little girls changing, i think they were changing into costumes like for a dance recital. i know this is strange right?

{Pause} right now, those of you who know about "the dream" are probably a little confused. You're thinking, wait this isn't how it usually goes. I KNOW RIGHT?!! don't worry i'm getting there tho...

i moved into a bathroom, away from everything and everyone. It wasn't bright, and it wasn't pretty, but it wasn't an ugly room either. It was there in the bathroom [which now that i think about it, it usually ends up there huh?] ....i began losing tiny pieces [again with the tiny pieces] of a small tooth in the bottom left of my mouth. no molars this time? nope, just a little one. I began spitting them out as usual, lots and lots of pieces, more than one tooth should consist of. I didn't catch any of them this time, i didn't have an urgency to save them. I was just trying to wash my mouth out. Why not save them this time? I wasn't worried. I saw a new adult tooth poking out around the broken tooth and i knew that I didn't need those pieces anymore, that i could lose them and I had a new tooth coming in and it was solid. In fact i remember trying to get more of the loose pieces out so I could be rid of them.

That was it. I woke up, some what mad, somewhat comforted. Mostly, i just wanted to remember the dream to share it with you guys. It was good. I'm okay with it. Isn't it strange how this dream changes and means something different every time? fyi: looked it up one more time, dreams about losing your teeth are associated with anxiety and are common. really?

Oh you guys probably want to know if i got a job right? well yes. I MATCHED!!!!! YESSS!!! Now we just have to wait for thursday to find out where matthew and i will be living for the next four years. Cross your fingers it's where we are hoping for!